apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
