dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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