Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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