I'm eating all of the evidence.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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