I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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