Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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