he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
