Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
