Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
