my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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