i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
