hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize