wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
