he wants to bone in the snuggie
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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