I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
