Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
