Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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