Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
