im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
