note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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