Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
