you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
