At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
