I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
