Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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