im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
