i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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