I puked a lego.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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