Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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