she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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