You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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