I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
