2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
