What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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