I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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