The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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