Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
