a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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