last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
