Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
