I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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