saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
