I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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