Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
