Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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