WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
