i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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