Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
