he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize