Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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