Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
