I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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