I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I have aggressive nipples.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
