So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
