if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
