I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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