to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
