My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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