My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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