This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
