It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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