I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
