If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
