he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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