I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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