Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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